If you've ever considered learning meditation, or are just curious, this article is for you. It's a bit of a read, so grab a coffee, sit back, and enjoy!
Day 0 - before the silence - It's December 9th, the day before it all begins. I am halfway around the world in Malyasia three hours east of KL, far from home in Vancouver, Canada. So why Malaysia? Culture, great weather, awesome people, great street food... and it's all new to me.
Where it all started - Over 17 years ago a chat with a guy at a bar seeded an idea that never left... he spoke of an incredible experience doing a silent meditation retreat. I was hooked. I decided then I too would do this someday, and this journey is now about to begin. I am now before my own intro meditation experience, something I am convinced everyone should do at least once in their life... and take the nuggets that resonate with them.
WT? - Before I left, I shared with friends, customers and colleagues I was choosing to do a 10 day slient meditation "vacation" complete with vegetarian only food, no books, no electronics, no talking to other students, no journaling. I got such mixed reviews! Some people were amazingly supportive. Others... so so. And a few others, didn't get it. You know when you are talking with someone, and you say something that you can see in their body language felt like you just admitted to not just sleeping with a goat... but enjoying it... yeah. You got it.. I chose to ignore those and move on to the adventure (as one should always do)!
Back to Day 0: We settle into our rooms, and are to meet up at 2:30 for a snack and to register. First good news... I learn that my worry of getting assigned to be a "server" (as my registation accidentally said) with only 2 hours of meditation a day (and basically working in the kitchen all day) was wasted effort. I was pleased to learn I'd get the full student experience I signed up for. After some paperwork, we were free to roam around and then had to meet up for our orientation meeting at 4.
A realization. One of the rules was "to abstain from killing any being". Before leaving I had read this and interpreted this as not to kill bugs or fellow annoying meditators. But then I realize the full interpretation is all things. Damn... no ribeye's, fish, or yummy chicken.
Choosing Malaysia mean't I was a minority. In fact, of the 42 men, most were from Malaysia, plus there was me, a fellow Canadian Rob (who I instantly hit it off with), and two other "white guys" in the room. This was perfect, and what I wanted.
Well organized puts it lightly - Languages - all formal talks would be officially in two languages - English and Tamil. In addition, the evening video "discourse" was available in a long list of alternative languages. Everything thus far from an organizational and course perspective was extremely well done, right down to explicit signage and instruction.
5:00 - the last supper - the first full meal was at 5:00... this would also be our last 5:00 meal... going forwards, dinner would consist of tea, coffee, and for "new students" (those who have yet to do their first 10 day course) we were permitted fruit.
Main hall - assigned seating and a great space - after dinner, we go through role call and line up outside the hall in a specific order. It felt a little like school when I was 10, but hey... tying to go with the program here. I was handed a tiny piece of paper with a "6A" on it. After getting led to the main meditation hall I learn this is my assigned seat for the week. I was 2 rows from the back of the class. Yeah. The meditation hall was a large room, square in shape, with a tall ceiling, 16 ceiling fans and 6 more wall mounted fans, and a glass enclosed room at the back that sat the students listening to audio in alternate languages. The main room was divided into two sections - the men on the left, with neatly organized dark blue cushions and women on the right on light blue cushions. An unmistakeable gap lay between the genders in front of the teacher, reinforcing the intentional separation. The front of the room included a raised "box" where the teacher would sit. In front of him a mat that would be the designated sitting area for small group or individual consultations with the teacher. On either side of the front, video's for the 7 pm discourse would be projected. Along the right and left sides were shuttered glassless windows allowing both a welcome cool breeze and the sounds of nature into the room.
First night - surprisingly the thin mattress offered sufficient comfort. The room was tiny but complete with a toilet, shower and sink at the back. Shutters open my sleeping view to the walkway, and the biggest luzury of all - an adjustable speed ceiling fan.
Day 1 - The 4:00 am wake up call, and silence begins - at 4:00 am sharp I am awakened to the unbelievably loud 16 (or so) chimes officially starting our days of silence. Strange. All those mornings and I never counted! All rooms face the centre invisible gender dividing line of the property, and the top front wall is screened, but open to the air allowing me to question if it was a large elephant sized bell just outside my door. Huh. I remember thinking I'll not ever be sleeping through that (incorrectly I might add). In addition, a chorus of personal alarms also came both before and after the official chime. Ugh... hoping those stop! (They do)
The day in a nutshell - hell - Dan Harris wrote a great book (reference at the end) on his 1st silent retreat and referred to his 10 day experience as like getting drunk for 10 days, but with the hangover first. What an accurate description! This was unmistakably a really bad hangover (without the headaches), but the fruits of this beginning effort would come, and will blow my mind!
Rewiring our brains - The day's training topic is to sit still for an hour at a time, and pay attention to sensation of the breath.
Our instruction - every bit of air passing in and out of the nose... notice it. Feel it. This is something that our minds so efficiently filter out and we're beginning a pretty incredible process, literally to rewire our brains. The day is also about enduring excruitating pain. I know I am at a disadvantage. A few of us (including me) come from cultures where I will generalize as a life and upbringing of chair-sitting vs floor sitting. Or at least that is my memory and what my legs are reminding me of what feels like every 10 seconds. While my one month of once a week 2 hours of yoga training was a good idea, it was far insufficient to prepare me to get through this. I could sit for about 2 minutes before my legs would begin to feel like they were about to fall off. Then I had to shift positions. While I was at a disadvantage, it was clear the room in general was challenged by the sitting and ask to stay put.
The room was an orchestra of restlessness, sniffling, coughing, and the occasional belching. No silence.
Our instructions were simple. Try not to move. Watch your breath. When your mind wanders into the past or future, don't feel bad, just bring your attention back to the present moment.
Easily said. My inner voice was on full speed - what am I doing? Every few minutes or so my mind reminds me my legs are about to fall off, and my back is about to go into a permanent seizer, without a massage therapist close or even a friendly Advil in sight. Add on top of that the awareness of stomach pains that seemed to arrive on day 0 that were not showing signs of going away. Random thoughts keep coming like a flow of cars into a shopping mall parking lot. I knew I was in for a tough start. Let the hangover begin.
In our evening discourse video, I learn that the path to enlightenment cannot be served with a ribeye and fine Merlot. damn.
That evening after 9:00 I decide to stick around to ask the teacher my first question. It was a little embarrassing. All I could think about is my stomach hurts. I wanted gingerale, pepto bismol and if that didn't work, a Gravol. Of course I knew these were all considered contraband. So I asked him what help I have access to... his body language and answer made it clear this was neither his area of experise, nor serious enough for this level of escalation. But all with a big smile. He challenged me to sit it out for a few days as it should simply pass. No superpower advice for my stomach here.
Day 2: Today's task - more breath work. Endure the pain. Try to move less frequently. Holy crap these days are long. My day highlight - a super exciting find - I discovered an additional path within the "allowed zone" behind our houses. Wohoo... now I can slowly walk a "U" pattern stretching out my end to end walking time to almost 10 minutes.
Knuckles - I am still trying to get used to the distractions of my meditation group. 100 people in a room can make a lot of noise. There is one guy not far from me who quickly earned his silent nickname - Knuckles. Every 20 minutes or so he'd crack the knuckles in one hand, and then the other. In fact it was a bit of an epidemic in the room. Interestingly when one person did it, you'd hear others follow... then knuckle silence for a bit.
Teacher time - That afternoon, after the formal 2:30 group sitting, I see the teacher is rotating small groups for questions (yup.. I am peeking). Up to 8 students are selected to come up and kneel or sit on their gender specific coloured mats (never mixed), followed by a brief meditation with the teacher up close. I was soon invited up with 7 others. It was kind of cool. He was east indian, had a great sense of humour, shook his head left to right as a gesture in itself, and is a super engaged listener.
Each of us were asked on our ability to feel our breath and if our minds wandered.
When he got to me, he started with a question - how am I feeling? Nice. He was genuinely interested. My stomach was about the same level - I was still in pain, but I smiled and said it's all good. It was not getting worse and I had no other side effects so I decided to stop whining. My report on his other two questions - yes, and lots.
Watching our teacher was amazing though. I swear he could have delivered the worst news on the planet, yet would have done it with such compassion you'd have felt like it was gift-wrapped just for you. He's been practicing for 16 years and it's hard to explain, but just being close to him feels incredible.
Happy - My neighbor gets a great nickname...”happy”. When he gets to his room he sings to himself. He seems in a good mood despite me not officially being able to formally assess looking him in the eyes. This is unfortunately balanced by an evening routine invoving a deep clearing of the throat, and spitting out the fruits of his effort... then repeating this about 6 times over 10 minutes. I wonder what that is about.
Day 3: We are told this was the last day of our (what felt like remedial) mind work, redefining who is boss in our own bodies. Starting day 4, the training wheels come off and we'll actually start practicing Vipassana. Cool. Happy for this as the pace is killing me. We've narrowed the area of focus of our breath to just below the nostrils, and above the upper lip. I swear if a bug landed there I could tell you how many legs it had! I was getting results and eager to move on. My only challenge was my wandering mind. Trying to stop it was impossible (I later learn, this is an unrealistic expectation even for experienced meditators) and the sheer boredom was balanced by indulging in letting my mind wander. I would get lots accomplished despite not being able to put anything to paper.
The food - amazing! And Costco - I have yet to speak of the food. Wow. Both our 6:30 breakfast and 11:00 lunch are large eating events for the group. In fact, you'd think this was the first time this group saw food in months! All meals were vegtarian and yummy. This is a big statement coming from a meat eater and foodie. Noodle or rice based, there were always several dishes to choose from. For breakfast there was also toast, jam, butter, instant coffee, tea, and milk. On day 4 I discovered the stash of peanuts.. wohoo... now I could enjoy some crunch with my noodles. Each day, we sat in the same spot in the lunch room organized in the same order as our lodging. So on one side was Happy, and on the other was who I affectionately (and silently) called Costco. I've never seen someone eat so much. Two full plates were not out of the ordinary, and included a soup and fruit for dessert. For breakfast the plates of noodles were followed by a jam sandwich which in the four steps it took him to get from the toaster to the seat were already half enjoyed! I move quickly from annoyance of the sounds and extreme of it all over the days, to sheer enjoyment just silently observing. For anyone who knows me, this is real progress.
Day 4 - Amazing walks - It's nice. Most people have stopped setting their alarms and just rely on the mega-bell ouside our doors to get us up. My daily walks are enjoyable. I begin to see more and more around me. I notice the pattern of ants are like tribuartaries and the times of day they are active or just gone. Butterflies are amazing creatures and it's incredible how the brown ones blend in with the leaves. I play a game to spot them during my walks before they flutter away on my approach. I get to see a large lizard who's not at all bothered by my presense a meter away and wonder how old he is.
Proud - One of the regular walkers walked tall, always wore collared shirts, and had the aura of a successful businessman. He from now on was called Proud. Interesting, I was not only right, but learned he came with a hell of a story.
The work really starts - Pretty cool... the goal is to "feel" the gentle vibration and any sensations of 100% of your body from head to toe. A nerve twitches anywhere (when doing it right) - you notice it. A light breeze on the ankle.. got it. So here is where things get interesting...
The idea is that you just observe. And here is the important part - you must not allow for craving or aversion. We're told that you will soon experience something physical or emotional - could be pain, sadness, happiness... it could be anything. Just let it happen. The concept is you're working through your stuff. If you just observe over time it will lesson and then fully pass. This even comes with a fancy name... Equanimity...
A little out there but hey... I am up for anything and have another 5 days to go. OMG.
Day 5 - end the pain! It's soon time for my end of day question for our teacher and it will be on pain. I have settled on two sitting positions that work best for me, and they both suck. The first is legs in front and I get nothing (meditation wise) but am assured a sore back. Alternatively I sit with my legs back and to my right and eventually I get an appetizer of leg pain often followed by a course of complete numbness, all with a side of twisted back pain. I actually developed a routine of poking my foot to see if I could feel it. So it's time for some great news - the teacher said I'd be getting a chair. Wohoo. Moving up in elevation to the elderly in the room! (Seriously).
Day 6: I love my chair. Now I can focus on the meditation. I have learned the process of fully scanning my body head to toe and in each sitting I can get to the desired full body "gentle vibration" sensation. Now if I only got more... I was hoping (yup, craving) for some emotion or something. I was pretty certain on some deep sadness or tears and interestingly was looking forward to that moment. If I only knew the first experience I'd have!!
That evening in bed my legs are on fire. It's more than "gentle vibrations" and I feel like running 10 laps around the property. But I don't. I can't fall asleep. It seems my newly learned skill to feel every sensation on my legs is now in overdrive. I wasn't taught how to turn it off! I was awake until to 2:00 am before I finally fell asleep. 4 am came too quickly. Interestingly, this was in fact my first night of a poor sleep. Fantastic (said with sarcasm). If these were the fruits of this new skill, I am not so sure. But I would soon be in for a quick corrective mindset.
Day 7 - my [insert expletive here] moment(s): Afternoon teacher time on the mat I share that the chair is great. I felt 4 tears, but was getting nothing else. I also share my legs being on overdrive and ask what was that about? I was reminded that this would eventually pass, and I was assured my physical or emotional moments would come. It was only a matter of time with applied practice. And boy it did. That evening before our movie I got to the desired vibration state. Then after about 45 minutes and without warning my body started shaking head to toe. I mean, uncontrollable convulsions. Self reminder - just observe. Right. What was even more amazing is this was accompanied by the most intense feeling of euphoria and pleasure I have felt in my life. This lasted about 15 minutes and I felt like the legs of the plastic chair I was on we're going to break off. The hour was up, and while I wanted to keep it going, that would be craving. Damn. As everyone left the room walking by me on my chair at the back, I was happy none of them were permitted to stare at me or speak. I just sat there. I had a massive smile, and felt great. That smile lasted the rest of the evening.
After the video we get a short 5'ish minute break and then the bell calls us back. I was in there starting my meditation before the bell even rung. I might as well be a keener, right? There were others in the room. Sure enough about 10 minutes in it all starts up again. This time for a sustained 25 minutes right to the end of the session. Nice.
During this last session I get this voice in my head suggesting that this was indulgent and to intentionally dial it back. Stupid voice. So I stick around for teacher Q&A time and am told (with a smile and his head left right shake gesture), absolutely do not suppress anything... just observe and keep with it. Equanimity. Alright. I guess I'll do what I am told.
Day 8 - less intensity: This day I have 3 more sessions with head to toe convulsions along with the pleasure sensation.
But this day it's different. It's not nearly as intense. Yeah. It's working. Damn. It's working. Equanimity. Equanimity.
It was another short night. Legs on fire again.
Day 9: Sleeping in - I wake up to the 4:00 am bell as usual. This is usually followed by a 4:20 bell indicating sitting starts in 10 minutes, but that didn't happen. It was in fact followed by tiny bell that is walked from room to room just outside the screened windows. I've heard this daily right after we start our 4:30 am session... it's for the folks sleeping in. Damn. I totally missed two full sets of 8 gongs at what felt like 100 decibels! Time to rush to class and slip in the back. Good thing everybody's eye's are to be closed.
Today, I get to head to toe "gentle vibations" but no more convulsions or pleasure sensation. There is a concept we are taught called "impermanence", and I now fully appreciate it's meaning...
Impermanence - the Buddhist notion that all of conditioned existence, without exception, is transient, or in a constant state of flux.
Day 10: Preparing us for the real world - Day 10, after our special 9:00 video we are told the silence is lifted. We can talk again. After the session, I head straight back to my room, and close the door. It's strange. I don't want to talk just yet and I can't explain why. It's also very weird, hearing people talking ouside my room.
It doesn't take long to get out of that state. Lunch time in fact brings us to a room full of chatter, and even the door between the men and women is opened up and we're allowed to cross the gender barrier. I am hit with another new experience buried with a subtle but deep learning I'll ponder for months following - it is amazing getting to know people after you've lived with them for 10 days. I got to observe an interesting learning - how much I defined relationships by conversation, and when without it, came to my own conclusions (right or wrong).
Over lunch, Happy and I have a great chat. He shares he's not just for this first session, but he'll be staying on for another to volunteer, and then another after that... Over a month. Wow.
He shared the reason for this extended stay.. alcohol addiction that is affecting his family life, and this as his way of trying to overcome this.
Costco - he's a super nice guy with a family and living in Malaysia. He loved this experience.
Proud's story is amazing. A successful business owner for 35 years he lived the high life including daily use of drugs. He couldn't free himself of the addictions and after one (of many) detox attempts, he decided to try Vipassana. He was hooked. This was his 5th session and he describes himself as a completely different man, with his addictions behind him. He shares his story of his first 10 day session where on day 3 he was in so much back pain...
He’d had years of surgeries that never got rid of the pain, and with the extended sitting fired it up big time, so he told the teacher he'd be leaving. The teacher convinced him to work through to the end of the day and then will do the paperwork the next day. That last session he described his intense pain and then in an instant it was completely gone. So much so he couldn't even say where it was originating from. He told the teacher that night he changed his mind and was staying. He was reminded of the concept of impermanence. Sure enough the next day his pain was back... but he stuck with it.
Proud's second 10 day session he decided to keep some insurance in his room - muscle relaxants for his back, just in case. Sure enough the pain was so intense he couldn't resist taking a pill mid way through his 10 days.
His words - "It worked. No pain. And then for the following 2 days, I could no longer meditate or get anything".
Food for thought.
Over lunch Knuckles excitedly introduced himself and brought me back to end of day 5 during meditation. He said he looked over and noticed I was gone. He described this as a big emotional moment for him as he knew I wasn't very restless and was not only surprised but deeply saddened by what he thought was my departing. His joyous moment followed later that day when he saw me later at the back of the room in my chair!
Out of the 42 men who started, we lost only one.
Another short night. We had an extra special bell ring at 10 pm to remind everyone it was time to rest. Two rooms down they were having their own kitchen party. Well, except for the kitchen. It was loud, and lasted until around 2 am. Funny thing. While it was loud enough I couldn't sleep, I was completely okay with them having their last night to catch up. The next day was a full day of travel getting to the final part of my journey (relaxing on Langkawi island). I'd have plenty of time to rest. This thinking was a new me.
Day 11 comes quickly. We still rise at 4:00 am and do our morning meditation routine before breakfast, then clean up our rooms and say our goodbyes. It ends as quickly as it started.
Two questions I am often asked: what is my takeaway? How have I changed?
Good questions. As a new student, you get a taste of what Vipassana mediation is. You learn the technique, hopefully experience a taste of it's power, and then are challenged to bring into your life what feels right. The path to enlightenment we are told involves a prescription of 2 hours of meditation a day, an hour at the start and another at the end and 100% daily comitment. In addition you need to follow a small set of rules including no intoxicants and no killing things. Those paths aren't for me, but here are some of my key learnings...
1. An adult beverage with that steak please - Day 12 for me involved a ribeye and a beer and those joys will not change. But what has changed is a recognition that these are in fact cravings, and that the steak I need is really one I just want.
2. Prejudice and influence - I found the silence oddly comforting, and for anyone who knows me this would be unexpected. What I also got to appreciate is how much our conversations affect our views. In addition, not having any chats, I was only left to my own inputs to come to conclusions that were if not wrong, incomplete.
3. Impermanence - Really appreciating impermanence was a new learning for me. And it's powerful. I now find that minor back pain I'd have quickly taken some Advil for is something I can choose instead to just observe. It'll pass. Life itself with good fortune or bad fortune. The list can go on. These are all examples of impermanence. Being in the moment is essential, but recognizing impermanence with equanimity is a deep lesson that I believe we can all benefit greatly from both understanding and embracing.
If you go...
- You only need to pack 3-4 days of clothes. I strangely (for the first time in my life, actually) found doing my own laundry (and by hand) quite comforting.
- For the Vipassana course you'll get a list of what to bring. What should also be on that list: extra toothbrush (only when I dropped mine in front of the toilet did this make sense), hand soap, and a small towel.
- You need clothing that goes past the knees. For men, I highly recommend a sarong (like a large towel that wraps around the waist. Malaysian one's are sewn in a tube you slip into and secure at the front) - if feeling a few extra degrees cooler in 30 Celsius plus sounds good to you get one. I bought one there for 10RM ($3 CDN).