I shall write here toward the air and responding to nothing because I am free. I— I who exist.

Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

I don't know that I can manage to put together the words to truly describe what it is like to be in 0-g...but I now understand why after having been here, that almost every astronaut wants to come back---"to be in microgravity."

It really takes some time for your mind to let go of the idea that you don't have to hold onto something. I learned early that things have a way of disappearing! I have already lost more pencils/pens than you might think possible. Interestingly, you can "lose" something and it will be floating right next to you.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome1.html

There’s a voluptuousness in being someone. I am no longer silence.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

The Earth observation payload has given me an excuse to look at the Earth more. We did have one pass where I recognized the Missouri River and then a few min later flew over the Great Lakes. I'll have to find a pass that goes more directly over Iowa, so that I can take photos. Dad will want a photo of the farm...even if it's hard to make out from 240 miles above!

My pastime is seeing how fast I can fly thru the station. Considerable style points are lost if stopping after a high speed run involves having my feet flip over my head!

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome1.html

I finally reached the nothing. And in my satisfaction at having reached in myself the minimum of existence, only the necessary breathing— I am therefore free. All that’s left for me is to invent.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

We knew the times of thruster firings, so I was watching to see if I could spot the [supply ship] vehicle. We were in the shadow of the Earth (night side), and I could see the occasional yellow-white flashes of our maneuvering thrusters as they maintained our attitude for the approaching vehicle, so I expected I would see the thruster firings of the Progress as well. What I saw was not the one flash I was expecting, but multiple scattered over a large area.

It took me a moment to realize... It was lightning from a huge thunderstorm on the ground... the fireworks display of my first thunderstorm with a view from above.

-Peggy Whitson http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome2.html

But I immediately warn myself: I’m uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for myself. I feel ill at ease in this body that is my baggage. But that discomfort is the first step toward my—

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

A few minutes later, on the sunny side of the Earth, we were able to spot the Progress as it approached. As corny as it may sound, my chest felt constricted and tears welled in my eyes upon seeing another space vehicle approaching ours.

On the shuttle as we approached the station, I had a bird's-eye view as I perched on the commander's seat looking out the overhead window, taking radar range measurements between us and the station. And I experienced these same emotions.

...some of these feelings I would liken to the thrill of formation flying, and being able to see another aircraft close-up. Maybe seeing another spacecraft in close proximity makes me feel a little more of the reality of where I am and what I'm doing…

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome2.html

toward my what? truth? As if I had the truth?

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

One of the things the psych support guys do for us is send up photos from friends and family. These photos are automatically posted as background "wallpaper" on the computers that I'm logged into. One in particular caught Valery's eye. It was a photo of my dad with some of the sows. His surprise was genuine and he said, "These are not pigs, they are elephants!" He couldn't believe how large they were and he had many questions about raising hogs and cattle.

I have never experienced any feelings of isolation...

The station is traveling at about 17,500 m/hour and orbits the Earth every 90 min. But it is difficult to actually imagine this speed, even for me while I'm here experiencing it.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome3.html

And if I should speak, may I allow myself to be discontinuous: I have no obligation to myself.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

We had to tear the whole thing apart, replace the bed and then put the system back together. About 4 hours into it and we were not past the easy part of getting the bed out of the rack, and I'm thinking, we should have returned the whole rack to the ground for repair. Once we finally got the bed out, things went a bit smoother.

Putting it back together was challenging, since we had to route the electrical harness, the gas hoses and the thermal loop hoses in just the right way in order to fit it all back together. Each time we thought we had it right, we would get to the next step and have to backtrack three steps to reroute another cable. I considered it a success from the fact that we did not end up with any spare parts (I'm hoping none floated away…'cause I don't want to go back in there). The real test of course will be when they turn it on in a couple of days. Say a prayer…

At one point, the ground was getting video while Valery and I were struggling with a hose that had come undone behind the partially rotated rack that contained the CDRA. The ground was calling us with instructions, but our hands were full.

The ground did not have a good view of what we were doing, but they could see my leg sticking out from behind the rack. They said if you "copy" these instructions, wiggle your right big toe. I wiggled my toe, and we could hear the ground controllers laughing and I was laughing so hard that Valery insisted that we stop our work so that I could explain what happened.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome5.html

I go on accumulating myself, accumulating myself, accumulating myself— until I no longer fit within me and burst into words.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

Last week I got to photograph the soybeans. This experiment is growing in a completely enclosed environment, so I hadn't been able to see the progress of the growth. The ground has been watching via video downlink, and they wanted me to check and see if the soybeans were flowering. They were surprisingly tall, about 12", filling the chamber and then bending over at the top, but not yet flowering.

It was surprising to me how great 6 soybean plants looked. I assumed it was because I like plants, but Valery and Sergey had the same reaction and even wanted their photos taken with the plants. I guess seeing something green (that stuff we re-hydrate that they say is broccoli doesn't count) for the first time in a month and a half, had a real effect. Sergey, of course, thought we should eat them as a salad. I managed to save the science and get them into the rack before he was able to eat them!

From a psychological perspective, I think it's interesting that the reaction was as dramatic as it was…guess if we go to Mars, we need a garden!

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome5.html

When I write, I mix one color with another, and a new color is born.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

Typically the station flies in the attitude in which the "bottom" (nadir) portion of the station is facing the Earth all the time. Because of the angle to the sun relative to the orbit that we are in, we sometimes have to switch to a different attitude called XPOP, in order to optimize our attitude relative to the sun (so that we can generate the necessary power for the station with minimal motion requirements for the solar arrays). Flying in this attitude has the advantage (for me) that we get to see the horizon more often.

One of the really striking things that I had noticed when I first saw the Earth's horizon, is that the atmosphere that protects the Earth is so small compared to the relative size of the Earth.

As you might expect, the appearance of the horizon can vary dramatically, depending on the lighting (sunrise/sunset or just daytime). As the sun rises (approaches us from behind the Earth), initially, only a thin, very bright band of light is visible. A deep royal blue line appears first, followed by the addition of oranges and reds. The rays of light seem to wrap fingers of light around the planet, and reflect from the upper atmosphere downward onto Earth, all within the thin layer of the atmosphere.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome6.html

I want to forget that I never forgot. I want to forget the praise and the jeers. I want to re-inaugurate myself.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

One evening, I had dimmed the lights inside the module so that I could better watch the Earth/stars. I watched the sun set as we moved into the shadow of the Earth.

I was pleasantly surprised a few min later to see a half-moon rise into view from behind the Earth. As the stars started popping into view, I was surprised again, as I saw a satellite pass by above us, looking so much like one of the other stars, but moving across the field of "constant" stars. I had never thought about the fact that I could, as one of those satellites, actually see another! And then I saw a second…amazing.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome6.html

And for that I’ll have to renounce my whole body of work and begin humbly, without deification, from a beginning in which there are no traces of any habit, foibles or abilities.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

Some experienced crew members, had told me that approaching the pad that I would feel an incredible amount of excitement and fear. Probably as a result of the fact that I couldn't quite grasp the reality that I was actually going to get to go into space, I didn't feel any fear, only the excitement.

A month before flight, I was talking to a friend and told him that I really only believed that I was going into space about 20-30% of the time. I've spent so much time training and waiting for this event that it didn't really seem possible that it might actually happen. After TCDT (terminal countdown test), our dress rehearsal for the launch, my friend checked back with me to find out my "percentage rating." I told him I had hit the 50-50 point at that time 2 weeks before launch.

He called me the day before the first launch attempt, and he asked for the rating. I said it was up to 90%. At that time we speculated on whether or not I would hit the 100% point at solid rocket booster ignition (after which there is NO turning back) or main engine cutoff (when you are in 0-G and no longer feeling the acceleration).

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome7.html

I’ll have to put aside my know-how. For that reason I expose myself to a new kind of fiction, which I still don’t even know how to handle.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

It was about a week later before we were able to make another launch attempt. On our way out to the pad, I had no sense that this would be "the day," but then again, I wasn't completely convinced I would really get to go into space!

Watching out the window of the astrovan as we approached the pad, I admired the beauty of the shuttle vehicle. The vertical, sweeping lines of the orbiter, the SRBs on either side and the liquid fuel tank in the center gave me the sense that it wanted to leap into the sky. Up close, with the liquid hydrogen and oxygen loaded into the tanks, the vehicle hissed and groaned, as if also anticipating the countdown. At that point in time, it was only the crew and a handful of support folks left at the pad.

We could feel the engines gimballing in their final checks before launch some 100 feet or so below us at the aft end of the shuttle. At launch minus 6.5 seconds, the main engines were ignited and the vibrations increased dramatically; however, these vibrations were a drop in the bucket compared to the vibrations that started at T-0 seconds when the solid rocket boosters ignited. Feeling myself pushed back into the seat as we jumped from the ground, Taco almost immediately called that we were clear of the tower (meaning we had already passed above the launch structure).

From the middeck seats, even with no windows, we could feel the roll program that was automatically initiated. The shuttle was accelerating so fast that after a minute or so, the 3 main engines fueled by the liquid propellant in the large central tank (referred to as the external tank), were actually throttled back while we passed through the maximum dynamic drag (referred to as "Max Q"…also the name of the astronaut band). After about 2 min and 40 sec, the solid rocket fuel was already burned up and we jettisoned the 2 tanks on each side to lighten our load during the remainder of the ascent. I had heard that this pyrotechnic event for jettisoning the SRBs was impressive, but we had none of the visual effects that the flight deck crew had at this time…still the loud bang got our attention.

About 5 min after launch, we were feeling the buildup of the G-forces. It felt like there were two people sitting on my chest, making it challenging to breath. And although 3-Gs is not considered much at all by the fighter pilot jocks, it is sustained for about 2.5-3 min, as the main engines were throttled back once again. This time, however, the engines were shut down at just over 8 min after liftoff. This important event, main engine cutoff (MECO), was almost immediately followed by the pyrotechnic separation of the external tank. Since one of the separation points felt like it was right under my feet, it got my attention even more than SRB separation!

Less than 8.5 min to go from sea level to orbiting the Earth about 200 miles above. I was there, and it still seems unbelievable!

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome7.html

The main thing I want to reach is to surprise myself with what I write. To be assaulted: to tremble before what was never said by me.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

to say that my first sight of the Earth from orbit was breathtaking or magnificent still seems such a paltry way to describe what I saw and felt. My first impression was of the clarity of my vision (not even air molecules to get in the way of me seeing what was ahead), it seemed I could see an incredible distance. The next impression was of the richness of the colors that made up our planet and the atmosphere below. The colors were so vibrant that they seemed to have a previously unseen texture.

I would liken the feeling to having someone turn on the lights after having lived in semidarkness for years. I had never really seen anything quite so clearly or with so much color!

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome7.html

To fly low in order not to forget the ground. To fly high and wildly in order to let loose my great wings.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

Some crew members have commented on the fact that during EVA they experienced a sensation of falling when seeing the Earth moving by so quickly below them. So I was advised that if I experienced this I should concentrate on my work close at hand in order to minimize the effects.

What struck me instead was the sensation of flying. Flying, but not like in a plane…just me, flying over the Earth. As part of our astronaut training we get a lot of experience flying in the NASA T-38 as part of our readiness training for flight. It's very special to be one of two people in such a small aircraft, traveling so fast. But the experience of flying during the EVA was more like the one you have in your dreams when you fly from place to place without the aid of any craft, only the view from space was much better than anything I had ever dreamed of!

One of the astronauts had told me an analogy that if you compared flying in a spacecraft to flying in an airplane over the Grand Canyon, being EVA would be like flying through the Grand Canyon as a bird. I think that fits really well. I definitely felt as though I had wings! The Russian spacesuit is called the "Orlan" which means eagle…and I can say now that I think it is a very appropriate name.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome8.html

Up until now I feel like I’ve never really taken flight.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

After repressurizing the docking compartment, Valery and I crawled out of the "back-door" of the Orlan suits. The most interesting aspect at this time was the "smell of space." The smell is a mixture of sharp, smoky, burned odors that permeate the suits. After UF2 conducted their 3 EVAs out of the joint airlock in the US segment, the smell of space lasted for more than a week afterwards. As I reached out to move the tools and felt the coldness, it became really apparent to me how well the suits really do protect us from the dramatic temperatures of the space environment (+270 degrees C to -270 degrees C).

This whole experience seems somewhat like a dream. I can't believe that I was lucky enough to be a participant. The phrase, "it doesn't get better than this," seems very appropriate.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome8.html

When I think without any thought— I call that meditation. And it’s so profound that I can’t quite reach and words disappear, manifestations.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

One of the physiological aspects of flying in space is that we are exposed to a higher radiation dose than folks on the ground. Luckily for us, the magnetosphere that protects the Earth from this radiation also has some beneficial effects for us too at just over 200 miles above the Earth, but we still monitor exposure during the mission.

We have various types of radiation devices on board to monitor our doses and the rate of accumulation, but there is one physical indicator that is interesting. With my eyes closed, in a darkened sleep station, before I have a chance to fall asleep, I will occasionally see streaks of light flash across my eye(s). It looks like a meteor entering Earth's atmosphere, only it's under my eyelids. These flashes are high-energy particles that I'm seeing.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome9.html

I meditate, and what emerges from that meditation has nothing to do with meditation: an idea comes that seems totally disconnected from the meditation.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

Looking out the window at night (in the shadow of the Earth) can be just as interesting as looking out during the day. We were flying back in LVLH attitude, which means that the window in the lab is looking directly at the Earth all the time.

I've mentioned before how beautiful it is to watch from above as the lightning dances among the clouds. It's also a treat to see the city lights. It looks to me like stars were splattered on the ground in patches, with the highways dissecting and crisscrossing within. And the city lights along the shorelines draw an intricate pattern, as the coast weaves and meanders. My eyes love tracing the dramatic border between the blackness of the water and the aesthetic pattern defined by the lights.

At one point I saw what appeared to be a diffused light moving along the ground in a straight line, appearing as it moved across rivers and other bodies of water. It wasn't until the light crossed a large enough body of water that I was able to determine that it was the reflection of moonlight on the water, following us on our path!

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome9.html

It seems it’s only useful to live interrogatively since every interrogation tossed into the air has a corresponding reply formed in the darkness of my being, that part of me of me which is dark and vital, without it I’d be empty.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

It's a pretty small port to be viewing from, but it was an interesting perspective to see the vehicle as it approached directly towards me. It appeared to be moving very slowly until it got within about 30 m or so when I could start seeing the detail of the antennae that are a critical part of this automated docking sequence. As the distance between the Progress and the station shrank, the ship seemed to be approaching more quickly (the approach profile is actually just the opposite, slower as it moves in closer).

As the sun set, the silhouette of one of the solar arrays on the Progress sliced through the curved blue line that is Earth's atmosphere. Attitude and braking thrusters were firing, and in darkness it was possible to see the fan-shaped plume of diffused light with each firing. The station was also maintaining a very precise attitude. I could hear the double-thud of each attitude jet as it fired since many of these thrusters are located in the aft of the service module, surrounding me from my vantage point.

After the soft scrape-thud of docking, as the probe on the Progress slid into the docking cone of the station, I watched from a window on one of the hatches in the docking compartment. Looking aft, I was able to see the attitude engines of the service module firing in an intricate dance to maintain a stable attitude.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome11.html

It’s the encounter between purity and purity and so we feel we’re allowed it, I don’t know what else to say. So— I don’t say it or maybe it would be better for me to say it.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

This was required, since the only data that the ground was able to receive was while we were traveling over Russian ground sites…about 10 min out of every 1.5-hour orbit. Thus, their data was much more limited than the normal telemetry that they are typically able to receive. So limited in fact that they requested that I read down on each orbit any advisories that we might have received as well as monitoring the state of charge on the batteries to ensure that we did not go beyond the predicted limits.

And since this was our only communication avenue, the three of us had to ask our questions and answer any questions the ground might have all within the available 10 min. I found out how short 10 min can be and how frustrating it must have been to try and accomplish complicated tasks on the Mir station, since this was their only form of communication. Also, no e-mail and soft phone access either. Although the backup team in Russia did a great job, I was really relieved to have our normal communications back. After just a couple of days I was able to understand why people would feel isolated with this extremely limited comm!

It's great for me to have a Control Center that is able to help me work through problems as they arise, with as little impact to my overall work as possible.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome12.html

To be a being allowed to yourself is the glory of existing.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

As my time aboard the station nears conclusion, I have lots of mixed feelings about leaving.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome.html

To be able to say to yourself with shame and awkwardly: it’s you, too, you I love, a bit.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

The international nature of the station is really a noble one, corny as that may sound. In many ways, it would be much easier (although more expensive) if we pursued the construction of a station independently of others. I would like to think that even if our cooperation has a basis, in part, on financial practicalities, that the side effects of generating a common goal for a lot of different countries and learning about different cultures at a level that requires literally the nuts and bolts of common understanding, more than makes up for any less than noble motivations.

When I get frustrated with the different approaches of different cultures and how difficult it can be to get folks to agree on an approach, I am reminded of JFK's statement that we don't do these things because they are easy… There is no way that I can imagine, especially after seeing our planet from this vantage point, that bringing our cultures closer together and proliferating understanding in our differences as well as our similarities, can be a bad endeavor.

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome.html

I allow myself.

-Clarice Lispector, A Breath of Life

To be a participant in all of this is unbelievable, even to me as I float here and write this, knowing that you can see a speck of light speeding by in the early morning sky or at dusk, and knowing that I am in that bit of light.

A speed of 17,500 mph, which logically I understand is required to maintain our orbit at this altitude, but intuitively has less meaning, even as I watch the world pass by below. It is difficult enough to comprehend the reality of this experience while I float here, and my fear is that I will not be able to hold onto the threads of this reality when I return. But I guess it will be, by far, the best dream I have ever had!

-Peggy Whitson, http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/station/crew/exp5/lettershome.html